I thought starting this page, would be much easier than what has actually transpired. Go figure! I am realizing that going back almost two years is hard. So many of my emotions have evolved or simmered down regarding certain topics. Or maybe my memory is a bit fuzzy. I am kicking myself a bit, wishing I would have started much sooner. I guess, the moral of this story is when the Universe is nudging you...LISTEN and take ACTION! However, on the contrary, I know that everything happens in its divine time. I need to for warn you...this post is long! Please bare with me...
When finding out I was pregnant, I was not entirely sure how my life would change. I knew that MAJOR changes were going to happen. I was ready to embrace those. I had decided right off the bat that I was not going to find out the gender of baby. I wanted to live in and be in total present moment. Enjoying each and every experience of my pregnancy. Boy, was that an experience in and out of itself. I loved being pregnant! I loved the attention and helpfulness I received! I was a crazy lady regarding my diet and staying fit. I worked out almost until the day I had baby. I wanted only the best for me and this little egg I was growing. Being the hippie that I am, I went to a naturopathic OB/GYN. I wanted to have a water birth at a birthing center. My pregnancy did come with a few complications towards the end. I had started to develop pre-eclampsia in mid September.
Luna's biological was around for the most part. Attending some appointments and birthing classes together. He still was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the news. I was just trying to let him have his journey and come to things on his own. My wish was for us to be a family unit. I was unsure how that would play out.
Now, fast forward to the birth of my perfectly beautiful daughter Luna Sloane on October, 27, 2015 9:44pm. I had to have a emergency cesarean at 37 weeks due to my pre-eclpamsia getting out of hand. Baby was also breach. I had tried nearly everything to get baby to turn and to slow down the side effects of the pre-eclampsia. I had three failed attempts at inversions, was doing acupuncture twice a week with moxibustion, and even added hanging upside down one hour a day during meditation, in hopes baby would turn. Going into my appointment that Tuesday afternoon with biological, at a traditional OB (per the recommendation of my naturopath OB/GYN). My kidneys and liver were starting to shut down and my lungs were starting to fill up with water. Baby was fine thank goodness! However, Mamá not so much. I found this all out the day after I had Luna. This would explain my shortness of breath just walking super short distances and while talking on the phone. I had over 35lbs of water weight. Long story long...they basically emitted us to have baby that night. I failed miserably at negotiating to have baby one week later. I had some personal appointments I wanted to see through (hair and nails). LOL You know all the important stuff! I also wanted my familía there. They were not arriving until Friday.
Early on, biological was some what involved in helping with this precious little being that now was ours. However, not to the degree that I thought a "Daddy" should be involved. I was still trying to give him his space to process. I thought almost ten months of pregnancy would have been enough time to process all this. We both had read and also were told by friends that Daddies can take more time to get into a groove of feel that attachment to baby. I was not always the most level headed when it came to him and his involvement...was he in or was he out. As you can imagine, my hormones were still raging and the fourth trimester was REAL! He would probably tell you, I was all over the place. He still had no financial responsibility thus far for Luna with the exception of $75 here or there. I am not telling you this to hate on him. I am just giving the facts. Things never really got better with him and nor his closeness to Luna. There were many times I would get glimpses of hope. At around her six months of life, things started to get even more distant on his part. He would not have any set times to see Luna. Everything was on the fly or last minute on his part or me taking the initiative for him. I would feel guilty if he was not able to see her due to other plans we might have. So, many times, I found myself changing plans so we could accommodate him. Just after her first birth-day, I started to slowly wake up and face the reality of the situation. I still had hopes that he was going to be an active part of Luna's life and we might be one familía. That vision was becoming more and more dim. I decided that I was not going to initiate setting time for him to see Luna. He was going to have to take ownership of that. I was done managing his relationship with his daughter.
In early December 2016, actually December 4th, 2016 to be exact, that was the last time he saw Luna. I had no clue that would be the last interaction she would have with him. In his defense, he was leaving on an international trip few days later and was not returning until mid January the following year. During his time away, he did not try to reach out or FaceTime his daughter nor respond to my texts. He did send a Felíz Navidad text. Mid January finally rolled around. He arrived back to Portland and still nothing from him. Not a single peep. I was NOT going to reach out to him. If he wanted to see his daughter, he was going to have to do the communicating. Let me be clear, I have never said he cannot see Luna. As the distance and time grew, it became more clear who he truly is and his intentions. My teacher always told you me, "listen to ones actions not their words." He was more interested in living his "Peter Pan life". I have always said, one truly does not know someone until they have a child with them.
At different times throughout this adventure things have been super challenging. I had many days which I call "pavement days." Days which I needed to be scooped up off the pavement. During all of this my emotions were like a roller coaster, all over the place from anger to hate, to love, to everything in-between. I was definitely grieving for both Luna and I. I felt her loss very deeply. I could not fathom how someone could possibly abandon their own flesh and blood. Live their life as if she does not exist. My heart ached for her! I began to get so wrapped up in my thoughts and the story my ego was telling me. All she was going to be missing out on...not having Daddy's first love, Daddy/Daughter dances, being Daddy's little girl, riding on Daddy's shoulders, being thrown high in the sky by Daddy, possibly having Daddy issues later in life, the list went on and on and on. I not only ached for her, I was also mourning the loss of someone I cared deeply for. Someone I had thought I knew and in reality that person was either dead or did not exist. During the many stages of grieving, I felt so much shame and honestly I was being the victim in my own story. I was ashamed of being a single Mamá and having to be honest with people about it. I was afraid of being judged by others once they found out. I did not want to be another statistic. I had major shame because I got involved with someone who's character seemed in question. I began to get stuck on what I had lost...the life I once lived, doing everything 100% on my own, and not having enough time for this and that. I could no longer go out with my girlfriends, workout daily, go to happy hours, etc. I was believing all those stories and then some. The noise in my head would NOT quiet down.
As time started pass, I was one miserable being. Navigating a new child plus all the emotions of losing someone I had cared so deeply for was taking its toll on me. And quite possible this new little being I was nurturing. I was worried about how this was going affect Luna. She was feeling everything I was feeling without me speaking a word. Energetically, we are all connected. I had done enough work on myself in the past, I knew there was a better path. I realized very quickly that I did not like how I was living and this was not my authentic self. I did what I knew had helped in the past, I needed to get present, start journaling daily again, attending my CoDA meetings, and focus on building the life for her and I that I had envisioned. One that was built of love, kindness, consciousness, compassion, and adventure. I knew I needed to take the focus off what we did not have and focus on what we did have. We have the most fabulous life! I also started seeing my teacher again. Being able to talk to someone and have tools/exercises to do has always been very useful for me and my growth. Once I started doing this, I had so much more awareness. I can now see the forest for the trees. I am living more and more in the light and present moment. Will there be some crappy days? Oh, hell yes! I just know that those days are much more few and far between. They no longer paralyze me. I allow myself to sit with my feelings and feel. I do not shame myself for having the feelings I am having or for taking steps back. I do not tell myself that I should be further along in the grief cycle or my personal growth. Life is truly a dance...one step forward, two steps back. Embrace it and just be...just live!
I still do not know how things were going to turn out regarding the relationship between Luna and her biological. My focus is no longer on him and what he is doing or not doing. It has taken me a while to get to this place of peace and serenity. I am a powerful being and I can create the change and life that I desire! Thanks you for sharing in this journey with me! I promise my future posts will not be so long.
Love and Light! B
PS...Your comments or questions are welcomed. If you want to comment or like this post, please do so by clicking on the title of the post.
Newborn photo of Luna Sloane at about 11 days old...be still my heart! (November 2015)